"Your Runaway, fine." (Incomplete.)

[selenewolf]

[quote="chickadee"]Can Rob please grow some self-preservation instincts and run away? Please? Regardless of what happens to his mother?
Am I being a coward? I just need to see him out of there. "

First off, thanks sooo much everyone for commenting and sticking with me through that chapter. Don't worry, I've always known the whole plotline of this story and there will be a happy ending-A lot of good and bad times beforehand of course because there wouldn't be a story without them, but please trust me. Chickadee, you're closer than you think-the clues in the song and title! Angela babe, hang in there!

[chickadee]

Can Rob please grow some self-preservation instincts and run away? Please? Regardless of what happens to his mother?
Am I being a coward? I just need to see him out of there. "

First off, thanks sooo much everyone for commenting and sticking with me through that chapter. Don't worry, I've always known the whole plotline of this story and there will be a happy ending-A lot of good and bad times beforehand of course because there wouldn't be a story without them, but please trust me. Chickadee, you're closer than you think-the clues in the song and title! Angela babe, hang in there!

I was really hoping that might be the case. Although I only twigged after I'd already written what I wrote.

[Twilight_Moon]

[quote="Swoozy"]Wow...I can see why that was hard to write...it was hard to read. My heart is completely broken for him...not sure how much more he or I can take... I have to keep reminding myself that this is fiction because of the way your write. I feel every punch, every kick and every pain he feels. It's hard to think that there are sadistic people like this in the world...

I'm ready to take a baseball bat to his dad and the 'good' doctor...and how Rob doesn't plot their demise is beyond me. But then...maybe he does...in the quite moments when he's deep in his own head...

I hope Jaz figures this out soon and rescues him from this hell before they ruin him beyond repair...look up, Jaz!! Look up!!![/quote]
^^^^I agree.

[Hfrankz]

I got bored and decided to reread the last chapter... and now I need and update. haha. This story is just so intriguing!! I can't stop reading, no matter how disturbing it gets. You are just such an excellent writer!!! Is there going to be an update anytime soon? I need to know if Jaz goes back and sees him. I hope she does!!!

[selenewolf]

Hi! I've spent the past week in bed with a mammoth chest infection but I'm aiming to get the next chapter up by the weekend! I'm soooooo sorry everyone!

[Robynn_R.Px3]

Awww Irs OKayy Hun
Hope You Get Better Soon! x

[chickadee]

Don't worry about us. Just glad to know you're alive (if barely). Take care and get well.

[Hfrankz]

Get well soon! I don't mean to rush you, just super excited X]

Take your time, hun, and get better!!!

[ShadIs]

I hope you get well soon sweetie, and don't worry, I'm sure it's worth the waiting.

[selenewolf]

O.k everyone, I'm all better and here's the new chapter. It's huge so I hope I can fit it all in! I'm going to have to stop writing such mammoth chapters! Anyway, thank you all sooooo much for all your lovely comments. Please, please give this chapter a read and let me know what you think of it!

Chapter Twelve-A Safe Place To Sleep.

Rob


And then there was one.


Now that I was almost fully recovered and my mind could focus on something else rather than pain, I felt Lizzy’s absence physically, a gaping ache in my chest that I didn’t think would ever ease. Before, when things became unbearable I’d go to her, and we’d comfort each other in any way we could, calming each other’s fears, two children huddling together in the dark...Now I was completely alone and so isolated.


I crouched down in front of the washing machine and picked up my bed-sheets, which were soiled with my blood and his fluids, shoving them inside and slamming the door.

“Better put that on a hot wash to get the blood out so your mother doesn’t see.”

My father didn’t even look up from his newspaper. I straightened and leaned my stomach against the sink, turning to stare at him, a potent mix of rage, hatred and fear flooding my veins and making my body shake, my eyes prick with tears. Ever since that night two days ago he’d taken over from the good doctor, taken on the role of the monster that crept into my room. I was his shiny new toy now and he came to my room as much as he could without arousing my mother’s suspicion, rising early in the morning to wake me with a slap and a barked order to get down on my knees, or coming home early from work to unlock my bedroom door and sit on the edge of my bed, laughing as I struggled and pulled away from him as he took hold of my hand and forced it into his trousers. If I didn’t obey him then he’d pin me down and use his fingers to make me bleed. In a way, it made me long for Dr Harding’s attentions. True, he violated me, molested me...but at least he didn’t beat me. He said he loved me, told me I was beautiful...of course they were lies designed to buy my compliance and silence...But it was better than being called a ‘dirty little bastard’ and a ‘slut’ by my own father.

I peered into the sink. A kitchen knife lay at the bottom of a few inches of scummy water. I reached in and lifted it out, clutching the hilt and feeling the weight of the blade, pressing the point to the tip of my finger, testing its sharpness. I looked at him.

He sat at the kitchen table with his back to me, one leg resting over the other and his newspaper spread out in his lap. I twisted the knife so the blade protruded forward from my clenched fist. It would be so easy...I imagined running at him, plunging the knife through the back of his neck, severing his spinal cord, slicing through his vertebra, forcing the blade so deep that it’s tip protruded out through his throat, the bright red blood pouring in rivers out of the wound, out of his mouth, soaking into the collar of his neatly pressed shirt. Would he cry out? Would he groan in pain? No, I’d be so fast he’d never have a chance to utter a fucking sound...But what would happen after? No matter what I said it would still be murder. My mother would be free, yes, but I’d go to jail. And what if I wasn’t fast enough? What if he turned and saw me? I shuddered at the thought, my resolve crumbling. He’d tried to kill me twice...third time could be the charm. I pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and placed the blade to the white skin of my forearm, bruised purple by repeated injections. I drew the blade across the flesh, watching with a sort of detached fascination as the cut opened up and beads of blood began to form on the edges of the wound. I moved the blade and made another cut, watching as the blood from both wounds began to mingle. Was I punishing myself? Perhaps, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that it felt good. Then a second later the stinging pain began to register and I gasped.

“What, boy?!” My father twisted in his chair.

“Nothing...” I shoved my sleeve back down, knowing that my pullover would cover the bloodstains on the cotton of my shirt. He turned back to his newspaper. I took a deep breath.

“Sir?”

He turned again, frowning in irritation. “What?”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“Hate you?” His eyebrows shot up and his lips twisted in amusement. He set down his newspaper and stood, moving to stand in front of me. “I don’t hate you. You aren’t significant enough for me to hate you. You’re nothing. Just a pointless little bastard who irritates the hell out of me and gets in the way. However...” He stepped toward me, pressing himself against me and pinning me between his body and the sink. He caught my chin in his hand and ran the pad of his thumb across my lips. “I’ve lately discovered that you do have your uses.” He caught hold of me twisting me round to face away from him, laughing as I struggled in his arms. “But you know to keep your mouth shut about that, right?” I froze as his hand felt its way down my spine to rest over my backside. “...Because if you don’t I might just turn down Danny Harding’s five grand and pop your cherry myself.” He released me and I turned to stare at him in horror. He had a brand new threat. He smirked at the fear in my eyes. “So shhh,” He raised his finger to his lips. “You just keep quiet.”

Suddenly my mother’s footsteps echoed down the hallway and she entered the kitchen dressed for work and tying her hair back into a bun. He moved away from me. “You two are up early.” She stopped, sensing the tension in the room and seeing the look of fear frozen on my face. “Is-is everything alright?”

I felt his gaze boring into me and pushed my terror and despair as far down as it would go before pasting on a smile. “Yes Mum, everything’s fine.”

“I was just checking his uniform.” My father made a show of straightening my tie, tugging my collar up to hide the lingering pink bruises left by his fingers. “Now, I’ve written you a note. What are you to tell everyone?”

“That I had glandular fever and I’m still not quite better. That’ll explain why my sides hurt and stuff.”

“Good lad. And where is your sister?”

I bit my lip. “Lizzy’s gone, with you and mum’s permission, to record some music. You’re both very proud of her.”
“That’s it. Now set the table.”


He left for work straight after breakfast, leaving Mum and I to clear up.

“Are you sure you’re well enough?” She looked at me uncertainly. “You could take another day, y’know.”

I shook my head. For over a week my bedroom had been my cell. I was anxious to feel fresh air on my face. “I’m fine.” I began to stack the plates into the dishwasher.

“Rob...Rob look at me.” I did so. She was even thinner, if that was possible. Dark shadows hung under each eye and her mouth was pinched, her eyes shining with tears. For the first time ever she looked old to me. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t mean anything anymore but...Oh Christ!” She covered her mouth with her hands to muffle her sobs. “I-I spend so much time apologising to you when what I should have done was stop him, what I should have done was protect you! No wonder your sister ran away!”

“Mum, don’t cry!” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, noting how I could feel her ribs through her suit jacket. “You tried! You tried to pull him off me, tried to stop him! I saw you!”

“But it wasn’t good enough!”

“He’s a grown man!”

“And you are a child...And that grown man was hurting you....And I should have... I should have done something!”
I stared down at her. She seemed so desperate...Maybe this time she’d listen. “You still can...You can take me away from here.”

I released her and she stepped away from me shaking her head slowly as I gazed at her appealingly. “No, no Robert...Don’t start this again...”

“Mum please! He’s gone, we could go right now! Fuck packing, we’ll just go, leave everything behind...” I was begging her now.

“He’d find us...”

“No, he wouldn’t!”

“Yes, he would!"

“He wouldn’t! Mum, we could go to the police and tell them what he’s been doing, they’d give us protection, take us to a shelter...”

“HE’D HUNT US DOWN!” She held her hands out to me in appeal. “Why do you think I’m so worried about Lizzy?! Robert, he’s hunting for her, he’s hired a private detective to find her, and he will find her. And when he gets her back here...” Her voice trailed off and she wiped at her tears. “I have to be here.”

“Or he won’t find her, Lizzy will be free and we’ll still be fucking trapped here!” I caught her shoulders, forcing her to look at me. “Mum, we’ll tell the police about Lizzy and they’ll find her, they’ll protect her too.”

“Robert, we’ve been over this. I’m scared. You have no idea what he is capable of.”

I stared at her in disbelief, despair threatening to overwhelm me.

“HE TRIED TO STRANGLE ME! JESUS MUM, HE TRIED TO KILL ME!”

“AND THAT’S NOTHING TO WHAT HE’LL DO TO YOU IF HE CATCHES US!” She turned her back on me and covered her mouth with her hands to stifle her sobs.

And suddenly I was seized with an overwhelming urge to tell her, in the hope that, once she realised how dark it was for me, she’d change her mind. “Mum?” I reached out to touch her shoulder and she turned.

“Baby boy.” She reached to push my hair out of my eyes, a tender gesture. And when I looked into her face the words, my terrible confession, died on my lips...Because I knew that, to her, I was still her baby boy, still, pure, still innocent...and I didn’t want to change in her eyes, to become sullied, dirty...damaged. And it was more than that...Because what if I told her about what they did to me and she didn’t believe me? Or worse, what if she did but still refused to go, expected me to just put up with it, like the beatings?

“Nothing!” I pushed her out of the way and snatched up my school-bag, gritting my teeth in frustration. “I’m going to school. Thanks for nothing Mum, as usual! Stop crying, you obviously don’t give a shit!”
“Robert! Get back here! ROBERT!”

I ignored her, slamming the front door behind me.


Once outside I searched through my schoolbag and found a slightly battered packet of cigarettes, pausing to light one before sinking down onto the kerb and putting my head in my hands. It didn’t matter what he did to me, she was never going to leave-she didn’t love me enough to leave. I didn’t want to leave her...But she wouldn’t go and I couldn’t stay. I shuddered as I remembered my father’s hands on me, the whispered warning in my ear. If I stayed he-he was either going to sell my virginity like some pimp...or take it himself. My stomach lurched in disgust and fear. I didn’t have a choice. I’d made my decision, it was now only a matter of when and how. I was going to run away, go into London and find Lizzy, warn her that he was looking for her...we’d go to the police...but...I took a drag of my cigarette and chewed my thumbnail as I thought about Jaz...I was pretty sure that I loved her, days spent staring at my bedroom ceiling while imagining her face had kept me sane. I didn’t want to leave her...But it wouldn’t be forever...Maybe I could explain to her before I left, tell her some of it, not all of it...I’d give anything to take her with me. But I couldn’t ask her to leave everything behind, just for me...could I?

I glanced at my watch. Shit, I was late. I flicked my cigarette away and struggled upright, gritting my teeth at the pain in my ribs and the twinge in my wrist as I leant on it. It was going to be a very long day.

***


Jaz


I’d given up. January had said he’d be off for a month-a whole month. And I was already missing him so much I could hardly sleep at night for imagining his strong jaw, his almond-shaped turquoise eyes, his beautiful hands, his smile, his kiss, for remembering his funny stories, his descriptions of great novels I absolutely had to read, the films I simply had to see...I could hardly sleep at night for worrying about him.

I stabbed my pencil into my rubber as I half-listened to January prattling on about Tom.

“I mean, I’ve done everything...I’ve flirted with him, I’ve started listening to the music he likes, I call for him all the time...”

“Yes...” Penny agreed. “Everything but tell him you fancy him.”

“Girls aren’t supposed to ask boys out.” January screwed up her nose. “It’s too weird.” She turned to shoot another adoring look Tom’s way and yelped in surprise. “Hey Jaz, your boy’s back!”

I turned.

From the moment he stepped into the classroom I could see that something was terribly wrong. He walked with his shoulders hunched, his back stooped and his head bowed, his eyes on the floor. His hair was matted and dirty, his skin pale and his eyes dead and ringed with black. He barely looked up when Tom called his name. Instead he flopped heavily into the seat beside him, laid his arms on the desk and lowered his head onto them, not even bothering to speak to his best friend. He didn’t even glance in my direction.

But it was more than that. Somehow, I don’t know how, perhaps because of his silence, perhaps because of his scars, Robert had always struck me as seeming damaged...Until now. Now he was more than damaged; now he was broken.

The bell rang and I got to my feet and shoved past the other pupils to get to him, pausing at the side of his desk. He didn’t look up.

“Rob, your girlfriend’s here.” Tom nodded at me before snatching up his school-bag and leaving us alone. I reached out to run my fingers gently through his hair, savouring the feel of it, soft and thick as animal’s fur. “Hey stranger.”

He raised his head but didn’t smile. He was so pale. “Hi.”

“Guess you’re still not feeling too great huh?”

“No. Not really.” He ducked under the table to retrieve his bag. I took a deep breath.

“I was worried about you Rob. I just...I had this feeling...”

He looked at me, his eyes so cold; his stare almost vacant. “I’m fine Jaz. I had glandular fever.”

I reached for his left hand as we made our way towards the door and, hesitated, hurt, when he gasped and jerked it away. I gaped at him, waiting for an explanation, but he avoided my gaze, almost as if he was ashamed of something. Was it me? Had I done something wrong?


The silence, the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking silence continued through the first three periods of the school day. But at least it wasn’t exclusive to me. Penny’s welcoming embrace was shoved aside, January’s joking requests for an infecting kiss flatly refused and Tom’s excited chatter about Lizzy, whose success had been spread throughout the school and bitched about by jealous members of the Arty Crowd, blatantly ignored. I’d sat in class and watched him with a sort of morbid fascination, while my stomach churned with that now familiar dread. He was like a marionette, going through the motions but completely helpless, powerless, controlled by something unseen that only he was aware of. And he seemed so sad. It radiated off him in waves, making my heart ache.


I sat in English staring blankly at my textbook, Miss McCoy’s voice nothing but background noise as I thought and thought, trying to work out what could possibly be wrong, what I could perhaps have done...Or maybe it was something I hadn’t done, or something I hadn’t noticed...

A titter suddenly spread through the class.

“Umm, Miss?” Mason raised his hand with a smirk. Immediately I turned to look behind me.

Robert was asleep, his head resting on his folded arms, his face towards me. His expression was peaceful, no pain. A light pink flush crept along his creamy skin and his long, black eyelashes fluttered like feathers against his cheek. Sunlight streamed through the window behind him, its rays picking out the bronze and shimmering gold tints in his hair. I twisted in my seat and laid my own head down on my arms so that I was level with him, facing him. His beautiful lips twisted into a content smile at some dream. I smiled back. He slept soundly even as the titters and giggles around him rose and Miss McCoy had to raise her voice to be heard.

“Ok everyone! Eyes up here!”

“But Miss, he’s asleep in class!”

“Yes, and from what I’ve heard, he’s been really ill! Leave him! Mason, I mean it!” Everyone turned reluctantly away. Well, everyone but me. I watched him sleep until the bell rang. “Ok everyone, break time! Off you go!”

“But Miss..!”

“Let him sleep!” Penny, Tom, Jan and I packed away our things and then moved to stand around his desk. He slept so deeply, as if he was completely exhausted. “It’s o.k guys.” Miss McCoy joined us to look down at him. “Leave him. He must be knackered so there’s no sense in waking him, at least until next class. I’ve got a ton of marking to do so I’ll stay with him.”

“But...”

“Jaz, go get your break pet. I’ll look after him.” She smiled at me.

“Come on.” Jan grabbed my elbow and I followed her reluctantly out of the room. “She’ll want to yell at him when he wakes up, I expect.”

“Then I’m staying.” I shrugged her off. They all stared at me. Then Tom sighed.

“Suit yourself. You want something from the vending machines?”

“No thanks.” I watched them go before moving to hover at the edge of the doorframe and peer inside. Miss McCoy lifted a pile of notebooks from the back of the room and settled behind her desk to mark, glancing up every so often at the sleeping boy. The scene was so peaceful. I stood for ten minutes, shifting from foot to foot and watching, until the shrill ring of the bell shattered the silence. Robert didn’t wake.

Miss McCoy set aside the book she was marking, stood and walked towards him, almost tip-toeing, it seemed.
“Robert? Robert?” He slept on. She sighed and sat on the desk in front of him, her feet resting on the chair. “Robert, pet?” He stirred a little. “C’mon honey, you can’t sleep here all day.” She reached down and gently stroked his hair...

And his head jerked up, his blue/green eyes wild.

“GET OFF ME! DON’T YOU TOUCH ME!” He surged suddenly upwards, his chair and desk crashing to the floor and snarled at her, his teeth bared like some wild animal. “STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!”
He towered above her and I found myself actually fearing for her safety.

“Ok easy! Calm down!” She scrambled to her feet and held her hands out to him as if in supplication, staring at him with an odd mix of horror and sadness in her eyes. “Robert, calm down! It’s o.k honey, it’s o.k!” He stared around him, wide-eyed and confused. He was visibly shaking, his breath coming in frantic pants.

“W-what..?”

“It’s alright, pet! Shhh, it’s alright!” She moved in front of him, forcing him to look at her. “You fell asleep.”

“Asleep?”

“Yes, in my class. I guessed you were tired so I told the others to leave you be...Robert, why are you so frightened?” Her eyes searched his face as he turned to her, his mouth falling open in shock.

“I-I’m not...”

“Yes, you are. Robert, what’s wrong? Tell me pet.” She gazed up at him, her expression soft. And for a second I thought I saw tears shining in his eyes as he stared back, searching her face for...something...understanding? Comfort? Then he bit his lip and turned away, again seemingly ashamed.

“I-I’m sorry I fell asleep in class Miss. I-I haven’t been well and...Don’t worry; I’ll get the notes copied up.” He began snatching up his things and stuffing them into his school-bag.

“Robert? Robert, stop!” He shook his head, swinging his bag on to his shoulder and turning his back on her. I ducked behind the door in case he saw me. “ROBERT, WAIT!” he froze at the threatening tone of her voice and turned. As soon as he did so she softened again, stepping towards him and tilting her head towards him conspiritually. “Back home when a child started falling asleep in my class it was because things weren’t quite right at home. For a lot of them it was because their daddy had hit the jar. Do you know what that means?” He nodded. I hadn’t a clue. “Robert...I’ve noticed lately that you’ve been...not quite right. I know something’s going on. If you tell me I could help, I could...” He cut her off with a shake of his head.

“No.” He turned his back on her. “Thank-you for your concern Miss...But I’m fine. Just tired from being sick.” And from my hiding place I could see his face twist in pain as he said it, see the tears in his eyes that threatened to spill down his cheeks. He clutched the strap of his bag and marched determinedly away from her, out of the classroom and past me. I stepped out from behind the door.

“Robert?” He spun on his heel to look at me, fear in his eyes. I knew he was waiting, terrified, for me to start asking questions as well, to push him for answers he didn’t want to give. So instead I walked up to him, took his right hand in my own and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Come on. We’re late for Physics.” He smiled at me gratefully and let me lead him down the corridor.

***


“So, how did it happen? Like, did the record company guy hear her sing and freak out and offer her a deal on the spot?” Tom was fascinated. He bounced in his seat with excitement and grinned at his friend.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t there.” Robert took a gulp of coke, not even looking at him. Unperturbed, Tom turned to stare across the Dining Hall, to the where the Arty Crowd were sitting in a huddle, talking excitedly and occasionally shooting curious glances Robert’s way.

“So when did it happen? How long’s she been gone?”

“Forever.”

“Look at that lot! Those artsy-fartsy knobs are just dying to come over and beg you for every detail...But that would mean actually talking to one of the unclean.” Robert flinched at that.

“Just ignore them Tom. Leave it.” He picked thoughtfully at his sandwich.

“Yeah Tom, leave it.” I covered my fries with ketchup and ignored January swiping a few. “I’m sick of getting into fights round here.”

“Fine.” He turned back to Robert. “So which record company was it? Is she going to be working with anyone famous?”

“Tom, I don’t know. I haven’t...”

“Shit man, it’s just so cool! C’mon, even you have to admit it’s cool!” Robert’s face darkened, but he didn’t answer. “Have they given her her own place in London? I bet they will; somewhere really posh like Chelsea or Notting Hill...”

Robert glared at him. “I told you Tom, I don’t know!”

“I bet they have, they need to look after their artists. Holy shit mate, your sister could be famous!”

“Tom...” There was a warning edge to Robert’s voice now, but Tom was too excited to notice.

“She could be rich!”

“Tom, leave it. I don’t know anything...”

“Seriously, though. All she needs is one hit and she’ll be loaded! Hey, what if she gets that hit, makes a mint and lets you move in with her?! Mate you’d never have to get a job, you wouldn’t even have to finish school! Lizzy adores you, she’d look after you. Mate, you’d have it made!”

“TOM, I SAID LEAVE IT!” Suddenly Robert was on his feet, shaking with rage. He swept his arm across the table, sending his plate crashing to the ground, slammed his palms onto the table and leaned forward to glare at him. “WHY THE HELL CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP, HUH?! LIZZY’S GONE, THAT’S ALL I FUCKING KNOW!” At the sound of his plate smashing the usual cheering and whooping had started up amongst the other pupils...But it faded away when Robert whipped round to glare at the watching faces and they saw the wild fury in his eyes, his clenched fists and jaw. The rest of us scrambled to our feet and stared at him, horrified.

“Look mate, I’m sorry.” Tom held out a hand to him, trying to calm him. “I didn’t...”

“What; think?!” Robert’s voice was a vicious growl. “No, you never fucking do, do you?!”

Tom stepped closer and reached to lay his hands on his shoulders. “Look, Rob I don’t know...”

And then Robert grabbed him, pulling him close and pressing his face to his. His teeth were bared like a wild animals, his eyes burning with hate and his features twisted with a fury that would have terrified me had I not seen the pain simmering just beneath the surface. “NO! YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW! SO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU STUPID PRICK!” And he shoved him backwards with such force that he fell sprawling onto the floor, the back of his head colliding with the linoleum with a sickening smack. January and Penny dropped to their knees beside him while I stared in shock.

“ROB, WHAT THE HELL?” January screamed at him...But he was already marching from the room. I hurried after him.



I burst through the dining hall doors and hesitated, confused. The corridor was empty.

“Robert? ROBERT?!”

Nothing. Then a series of almighty thuds, the sound of fists smacking against metal, making me jump out of my skin. It came from the far end of the corridor. I ran.

“SHIT! SHIT! FUCK!” I rounded a corner to find him in a small alcove that contained rows of lockers. He was raging, out of control. I watched, horrified, as he drove his fists into the doors of the nearest lockers over and over, until blood flowed between his knuckles and angry tears began to spill down his cheeks. “FUCK! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! SHIT!” Eventually, exhausted, he leaned his forearm against the nearest one and lowered his forehead onto it, his breath coming in frantic, panicked gasps and his shoulders heaving.

“Robert?” At the sound of my voice he raised his head to stare at me, confusion and bewilderment at the force of his grief and rage written on his face. I took a few cautious steps toward him. “Shhh, it’s ok.”

“No.” He shook his head violently, gazing past me, his eyes shining with tears at horrors only he could see. “It’s not. It’s not o.k.”

“Well...Maybe if you talk to me, I could make it o.k. Robert, you need to calm down. You really hurt Tom.” I tried to keep my voice as soothing as possible. I reached out to take his arm. And suddenly his expression changed, and the feral animal was back. He caught my wrist and wrenched me forward, slamming me up against the locker and placing his hands either side of me, snarling at me through clenched teeth as I cowered away from him.

“Why me?!”

“W-what? I-I don’t...” Then I saw the tears again in his eyes, making them shine like sapphires.

“You’re beautiful, you’re smart; you could have anyone in this shitty school, so why did you pick the stupid, filthy, disgusting cripple, huh? Why the fuck did you pick a dirty little bastard like me?!”

I stared at him in shock, my heart aching with pity. “Robert, what are you...?”

“Why?! WHY?!” He was struggling to keep the facade of his fury going now, his misery beginning to show through. I reached up to take his face in my hands and he let me, closing his eyes at my touch.

“Because you’re none of those things. You’re intelligent, funny, kind, handsome...Because I’ve always felt so damn lucky that of all the girls in this shitty school you picked a half-breed freak like me...And because I love you.”

He stared down at me, bewildered again. “Y-you do?”

I nodded. “Yes. You saw through all the bullshit; the colour of my skin, my family, my background...And you’ve treated me like a person. You were kind to me when you hardly knew me, when you didn’t need to be, when it would have been easier to stay away. You know all my secrets and you comforted me when I cried. And for those reasons along with a million others you, to me, are perfect-It just cuts me up inside that you can’t see it.”

“Y-you love me.”

“Yes.”

He turned, pressing his back against the locker and sliding slowly down it. I slid down with him until we were both seated on the floor, our backs against the cool metal. He licked his lips, avoiding my gaze. “I-I love you too.”
I kissed his cheek, tasting the salt of his tears. He stared straight ahead and smiled. I took his right hand, cradling it in my lap, and began to examine it; stroking his palm, playing with his fingers...He really did have the most beautiful hands. Long and narrow, the skin so soft.

“I-I know something’s going on with you...something real bad. Silence. He just stared straight ahead. I sat for a few moments, waiting for him to speak but the only sounds that came from him were deep, shuddering breaths. “Y’know, someone once said; ‘If we could only share our secrets, what comfort we would find.’ You could tell me your secrets, I’d never tell anyone, I swear...And maybe I could help you.”

“I’m just upset about Lizzy leaving.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He turned to look at me, his eyes wide, appealing and opened his mouth. “I-I...” He paused, his face a mask of guilt and heart-rending pain. “I can’t. I just...can’t.” And I knew that if I pushed him any further he’d fall apart. So I raised his palm to my lips and kissed it.

“It’s o.k.” I moved closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Look, I don’t know about you...But I don’t feel much like being educated right now. Both my Moms are at work, the house is empty. Fancy just...leaving?”

He looked down at me and nodded. “Sounds good.” He scrambled to his feet and pulled me up, sliding an arm over my shoulder, and we made our way as casually as we could to the main doors.


We walked to the bus-stop in companionable silence. He smoked determinedly and forgot to disguise the extent of his limp, so that I had to slow down to keep pace with him. Once we were seated at the back of the bus he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close, hugging me to his chest like a little kid clinging to his teddy bear. I laid my head on his chest and let him.

***
The further away from school we got the more he relaxed, until he actually held my hand as we walked down the lane toward my house, actually chuckled when I dropped my keys. Once inside we tossed our school-bags onto the floor and he followed me into the kitchen.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.” I began to search through the cupboards. “No potato chips, no cola, no biscuits, no chocolate. Sorry.” I turned to him, embarrassed. “Mama Portia must be on another health kick.”
He smiled at me and my stomach went all funny. “So I take you’re not going to cook a three-course gourmet meal then?”

I snorted. “Are you kidding? I can barely turn on the stove!”

“What? You can’t cook?!” He gasped in mock horror. “That’s it.” He made a show of shaking his head in disgust. “I can’t marry you.”

“Good, that saves me the hassle of turning you down.”

“Ouch!” He caught hold of my waist laughing. “That’s just cruel! ” He looked up past me at the contents of the cupboard. “Well thank God I can cook. Sort of. Your Mum Portia’s still really English.” He reached past me and lifted down a packet. “Fancy Supernoodles on toast?”

I giggled. “What?”

“Trust me. It’s an English delicacy, beloved by students all over the British Isles. Can you at least work a toaster?”
I punched him in the arm.



It looked disgusting, like earthworms in brown goo on top of my toast, but it tasted delicious.

“Well?” He arched an eyebrow at me as I finished and put down my knife and fork.

“A work of culinary genius!”

He smiled. “Well, I’m a man of many talents.” He shrugged his blazer off and absent-mindedly pushed up the sleeves of his school sweater and shirt...To reveal two deep slashes across his forearm. He saw me staring at them and hurriedly shoved his sleeve back down again, suddenly embarrassed. “I need to trim our dog’s nails. Hey, I should bring her over sometime to meet you. She’s a Westie and she’s really sweet.”

“Yeah-yeah that’d be cool.” Suddenly there was an awkwardness between us. “So...What do you want to do now?”
He thought for a moment and then a smirk spread across his face. And I couldn’t stop smiling back. It wasn’t my fault, he looked like a fallen angel. “I want to find out if you can actually play guitar or if you’re just good...For a girl.”

“Right.” I stood and snatched up my plate. “You’re on!”


When we reached the music room he made a beeline for my guitar, lifting it gently, almost reverently, from its stand and flopping down into the chair with it. I watched him as he began to tune it, his brow furrowed in concentration and his head slightly tilted as he plucked the strings and twisted the pegs. “Shit Jaz, this is an amazing guitar!”

“Thanks.” I scratched at the wool of my sweater. “Umm, look, would you mind if I went and got changed? This sweater really itches.”

He nodded, not even looking at me. “Sure.”


I shut the door between my bedroom and the music room firmly behind me before beginning to undress, but I still felt awkward and unsure. What if he peeked round it? What if he saw me in just my underwear? The thought was both incredibly embarrassing...And oddly thrilling. I felt my cheeks begin to burn as my thoughts raced. Would he like what he saw? Would he think I was pretty? Would he think I was...sexy? And, if he did spy on me and I caught him, what would happen next? Unbidden, my imagination began to run wild and I felt my cheeks start to burn.

“JAZ! HURRY UP!”

I jumped at his shout and snatched a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt from a drawer, wriggling them on before joining him again. As I entered the room, the opening notes of ‘Dust in the Wind’ by Kansas rang out and I flopped down onto the carpet and watched as his beautiful fingers flew between the frets and strings, playing first Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ before moving on to bits and pieces of songs and improvised melodies, weaving them together seamlessly. I found myself wondering what it would be like to be touched my those hands, to feel those fingers tracing their way across my skin...I turned my eyes to the floor, blushing again. “You’re really good.”

“Maybe you’re better.” I looked up to find him holding my guitar out to me. “Go on, show me.”

I took it and he moved so I could sit on the chair, stretching out on the rug in front of me, resting his chin in his hands. I laid the guitar across my thigh and took hold of its neck, my fingers on the strings. “What do you want me to play?”

“Can you play ‘Stairway to Heaven’?” He flashed me a crooked smile, waggling his eyebrows teasingly. Ah, the ultimate guitar challenge, the song that separated the men-and women-from the kids. I played the song the whole way through before moving on to the complicated picking style of Bob Dylan’s ‘Don’t think Twice, It’s Alright’ and then to the hammer-ons and pull-offs of Seethers ‘Broken’. Finally, I played Patty Griffin’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, singing it before I even realised what I was doing.

“You are not alone,
Lying in the night.
Put out the fire in your head.
And lie with me tonight.”

I finished and felt my cheeks grow hot. I avoided his gaze. “Sorry. I’ll bet you’ve never even heard of...”

“Patty Griffin. It’s a good song. Jaz, you’re really good. And not just for a girl. You’ve got talent...You’ve got a great voice too.” I looked up and he caught my eye and smiled. I smiled back. Then he shifted on the floor and winced. I stood and tucked my guitar under my arm.

“Come on into my room. We can sit on my bed. You look really uncomfortable down there.”

He scrambled awkwardly to his feet and followed me through the doorway. I curled up against the pillows and he stretched out beside me, taking the guitar from my hands again, his fingers picking out a strangely familiar tune. And then he began to sing:


“At the dark end of the street,
That’s where we always meet.
Hiding in shadows where we don’t belong.
Living in darkness to hide our wrong.
You and me, at the dark end of the street.
You and me.”


I closed my eyes and let his gorgeous bluesy voice flow over me, rough and silky smooth all at once. There was a sadness in it, a barely concealed grief and weariness that made the lyrics especially poignant. Soon tears were trickling down my cheeks and I swiped at them, embarrassed.

“And when the daylight all rolls round,
And, by chance, we’re both downtown.
If we should meet then just walk on by.
Oh darling please, please don’t cry.
Tonight we’ll meet, at the dark end of the street.”

He plucked the final note and turned to look at me, his smile fading as he saw the tears in my eyes. “What? I thought you liked that song. You-you had the sheet music at the piano.”

“I do! It’s-it’s my Moms song, y’know? But...I never realised how sad it was until I heard you sing it. Your voice...It’s beautiful, but it’s bittersweet too.” He smiled down at me, his eyes exquisite turquoise pools. A lock of his sandy hair fell into his eyes and I reached to push it away. He was flawless, perfect. My eyes traced the glorious symmetry of his face. I couldn’t help but kiss him.

“Wait, wait!” He moved away from me to lean the guitar against the bed and then rolled onto his side and pulled me towards him, taking my face in his hands and kissing me hard. I kissed him back just as fiercely. We kissed hungrily, passionately. Suddenly I was seized by the urge to get as close to him as possible, pressing my body tightly to his, my breasts pressing against his chest, sliding my arms up under his own and catching hold of his shoulders so I could pull him to me as his fingers twisted in my hair. His tongue caressed my own, his lips bruising mine; he tasted so delicious...Suddenly I was hot, too hot. My head was spinning; I couldn’t catch my breath. His mouth moved from my own, kissing its way down my throat...And that’s when I felt it-an unfamiliar, white-hot longing that started in my chest and poured, a prickly heat, down over my breasts and stomach to pool between my thighs, where it began to throb, to ache. I tangled my legs with his and he caught one of them behind the knee, lifting it up and over his hip and rubbing himself into me, an action that did nothing to relieve my need. I caught his mouth again with mine, planting kisses all over his lips, his cheeks...And that’s when I felt it. Somewhere down there, between our two bodies, something was sticking into me, bumping against the hollow of my hip. His mouth found my throat again and he was too preoccupied to notice when I moved away slightly to look down. His...thing...was straining against the cotton of his trousers, the bulge both terrifying...and strangely fascinating. I found myself wondering what it would look like, what it would feel like...Not quite knowing what I was doing, I reached down between his legs and closed my hand over it, feeling its heat through the material, feeling it twitch in my hand...

It was only a tiny touch but he leapt away from me as if he’d been scalded.

“DON’T!”

I thought he’d be angry...But he looked terrified. He scrambled up from the bed as I gaped at him and stood, panting, his entire body shaking.

“I’m-I’m sorry! I-Did I hurt you?”

He stared first at me, and then down at the bulge, blushing to the tips of his ears. “Shit! Oh shit! Jaz, I’m sorry! I-I didn’t mean to! I-I don’t like it when...It’ll hurt and...Shit Jaz I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s o.k! Robert, it’s o.k!”

“No.” He looked up at me and shook his head, and I was shocked to see the sheen of tears in his eyes. “I...I know that it’s normal...that I should want to but...but I can’t.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

“Shit!” He ran his hands through his hair and turned towards the bathroom, before turning back to me. “You-you know I wasn’t going to make you do anything, right Jaz? I-I’m not like that, I’d never be like that...”

I nodded slowly, completely confused and shocked at his reaction. He turned his back to me and headed for the bathroom...And I curled up on my bed, bewildered. Did he not want me? He was obviously worried about pressuring me into anything...But I wanted to feel his hands on me, I was curious. I waited.

He returned from the bathroom, his cheeks still roaring red and his head bowed, avoiding my gaze. “Maybe I should go.”

“I don’t want you to.” I lifted my sweatshirt up and over my head and tossed it to the floor. He stared at me in shock.

“What are you doing?”

“I know that you don’t like to be touched, and that’s fine...But it doesn’t mean you can’t touch me. I want you to touch me, Robert. I-I want to know what it’s like. Don’t you?”

He nodded, mesmerised, unable to tear his eyes away from my white lace bra. He got back onto the bed, lying down beside me and rolling onto his side to face me once more. I unhooked my bra with trembling fingers and slid it from my shoulders. He swallowed hard. I lay down beside him and took a deep, steadying breath. “Go on.” He reached out a trembling hand, and then stopped, his eyes searching mine for the even the faintest hint of uncertainty.

“You’re sure?”

I bit my lip and then smiled at him. “Yes.” He moved his face close to my body, taking me in, admiring me.
“Wow.” He reached out and cupped my right breast. His hand was warm. He leaned in to brush my lips with his and his other took hold of my left breast. He squeezed them, ever so gently, and a spark of intense heat shot between my legs, through that tiny, throbbing nub that I’d only touched a few times in the dead of night, making me gasp. He caressed them, kneading them softly, staring at them with an intense fascination, as if they were the most precious jewels. He caught my pink nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, rolling them between them, tugging them gently, making the nub between my thighs ache so exquisitely that I couldn’t help but moan. “Do you like that?”

I nodded. “Umm, hmm. What about you? Do you like them?” He nodded. “What do they feel like?” He thought for a moment.

“Squishy.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh gee, thanks!”

He gave me an embarrassed smile. “Sorry...They’re amazing. Beautiful.” He began caressing them again.

“Thanks. I grew them myself.”

“Oh. Well done.”

“Well done?” I imitated his accent. “Oh. Well done. God, you’re so British!” We caught each other’s eyes and collapsed on the bed giggling at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. We laughed until I couldn’t breathe, until my sides hurt. Then he pulled me into his arms and I laid my head on his chest.

“Ummm. Now this I like.” He kissed my hair and turned his gaze to the ceiling. I closed my eyes, listening to the soothing rhythmic thump of his heartbeat, savouring the intimacy between us.


Rob


I TOUCHED BOOBS! Oh my God! And they weren’t hard, as I’d always thought they’d be; they were so unbelievably soft. And she’d wanted me to, she’d actually wanted me to, and I hadn’t hurt her. She’d said it felt nice! ...Tom was never going to believe this.

I TOUCHED BOOBS! I was a hero, a star, a legend for the fourth year...

“JAZ?! JASMINE, ARE YOU HOME?!”

I was a dead man.

“Shit!” Jaz jumped off the bed and snatched up her bra and sweatshirt, wriggling them on. “What time is it? WHAT TIME IS IT?!”

I glanced at my watch. “It’s four o’clock. We’ll just tell them we walked home.”

“JASMINE!”

She ran to the bedroom door and shouted up the stairs. “I’M IN! I WALKED HOME!” Then she turned to me. “We were just playing guitar. That’s the story, right?”

“No, I thought I’d just tell them I was feeling you up.”

“Not funny!” Suddenly there was a loud shriek from upstairs, followed by a smash. She turned to me, her eyes wide. “What the hell was that?”

Running footsteps thudded across the floor above our heads and down the stairs outside. Jasmine leapt aside as the door was wrenched open. I froze as Melinda ran into the room and pointed a finger at me.

“MAN!”

I stared at her, completely confused. Oh God, did she know? “Er...Woman?”

“Come on, we need you!” She caught my arm and dragged me behind her up the stairs as Jasmine scurried after us.

“Mom, what are you doing?!”

Portia met us at the top of the stairs.

“Ta da! I told you he’d be here!”

“Him? This is your great idea? Wait...Jasmine, you had a boy in your room?!”

“We were just playing guitar, I swear!”

Melinda laid her free hand on her arm. “You wouldn’t understand, mi amor. He’s a man, this is what men do; it’s what they’re for!” She shrugged. “Well, that and heavy lifting.”

I began to panic. “What’s going on?”

She turned to me. “You’re in deep trouble for being in our daughter’s bedroom, so we need you to help us.”
I swallowed. “O.k.”

“Good.” She began to drag me towards the kitchen. Portia and Jasmine hurried after us.

“But honey, what if he can’t get it?”

“We’ll admit defeat, move out and let it have the house.” She shoved me through the door. “It’s over by the table.”

I stared at them and they pointed. I approached the kitchen table.

On the floor beside it lay the remains of a glass and beside that...

“What is it?” Jasmine asked behind me.

“Spider.” Portia whispered in fearful tones.

It was a big one; I had to admit, one of those huge brown ones, with the legs growing up and out of their backs. Still, I knew what to do. After all, I had two sisters, I was used to this. I raised my shoe...

“NO!” They shouted in unison. “DON’T KILL IT!”

I lowered my foot and rolled my eyes. Women.

“Use a placemat and a glass!” Melinda pointed to a placemat that was sitting on the table. I picked it up, found a glass and trapped the spider easily before dropping it out of the window.

“Oh my God, you are amazing!” Suddenly they were on me, flinging their arms around me and hugging me tightly.
“My hero!” Portia planted a kiss on my cheek, completely forgetting that I’d been in her daughter’s room. “Melinda, I think we should keep him!”

“Well Robert, think your parents would let us?” Melinda grinned at me. I shook my head. If only.

“You two must be starving.” Portia went to the sink and began to fill the kettle as Melinda crouched down to pick up the shards of glass. “There was nothing in the cupboards so I bought some cupcakes on the way home. Robert, would you like some tea or coffee? It’s the least we could do.”

“Coffee would be great please.” I joined Jasmine at the table.


We sat in the kitchen for what seemed like hours, munching cupcakes, drinking endless cups of tea and coffee and talking about everything: school, travelling, music, films, books, art...Jasmines mums were funny, cool and full of fascinating stories about the countries they’d visited, the things they’d done there and the people they’d met. And they were actually interested in me. They asked me questions and actually listened to my answers, they actually seemed to care what I had to say. At first I’d been confused: Why did they want to know? What were they up to? But they were so open and relaxed that soon I couldn’t help but relax as well. They made feel like I mattered, it was strange, confusing yet wonderful. In their house I actually felt safe.

If only I could stay.

I glanced at my watch and my heart sank when I saw that it was already half five. My father would be home from work soon, and I had to be there to greet him.

“I’m really sorry, I have to go home.”

“Already?” Melinda frowned. “You’re welcome to stay for dinner.”

“Thanks but I really can’t. My dad wants me home before he gets home from work.” I stood. “Thanks for everything.”

“You’re welcome.” Portia beamed at me. “I’m sure we’ll see you soon Robert. Although up here, not in Jasmine’s room o.k?”

“O.k.” I nodded at her apologetically. Jasmine followed me as I picked up my schoolbag from where I’d dropped it in the hallway and stepped out onto the front porch.

“So, when we left school you were in a shitty mood. How do you feel now?”

I grinned at her. “Manly.” She laughed. “You saw what I did back there. I got rid of the spider and now your mums worship me as a god.”

“O-k-a-y. I think you’re getting a bit carried away there.”

“No I’m not. They gave me cupcakes.” I smirked at her. She rolled her eyes.

“Fine, whatever-you’re Jesus.” She laughed and the wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me close. Her expression grew serious, almost sad. “I wish you could stay.” She stood on tiptoe to kiss me. I kissed her back.
“I do too. You have no idea how much. But if I’m not there when my dad gets back he’ll go nuts.”

She looked thoughtful. “Hey, maybe you could stay.”

I shook my head. “Seriously Jaz...”

“No, not now...Tonight.” I stared at her. “I really liked it the other night when you slept over. Maybe...maybe you could do it again tonight? I-I don’t want to, y’know, ‘do it’ or anything, I just...I liked sleeping beside you.”
It was so tempting. But could I risk it? “Jaz, I’m not sure...”

“Look.” She reached up and took my face in her hand, her grey eyes suddenly piercing. “I know something’s really wrong. I don’t know what...But I have a feeling it’s to do with that house. Please, come and stay the night. You’d be right beside me. I wouldn’t have to lie awake worrying about you...and if it works out then you’ll always have a safe place to sleep.”

“N-nothing’s wrong.” I stuttered, but I could see in her eyes that she didn’t believe me, and the thought of lying next to her, holding her in my arms, in a room free of nightmares, in a house with no monsters, was so wonderful that I found myself nodding in agreement without even giving careful thought to how I could actually do it. “Alright. I’ll come tonight.”

“What time?”

“Around eleven?” I was sent to my room every night at around ten, and my parents were usually asleep by eleven. Hopefully tonight he wouldn’t lock me in.

“Eleven. Just knock the French windows like last time.”

“Right.” I kissed her again before walking up the lane toward home.

***
Jaz


I’d just finished putting on my pyjamas when the knocking came, a series of timid raps on the glass. I pulled back the curtains.

He stood, clutching a rucksack and peering in at me with that piercing turquoise gaze. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed the metal crutch he leaned upon.

“Hi.” I unlocked the door and he greeted me with a kiss before stepping inside.


“Hi.” He saw me staring at it and shrugged. “My leg usually gets pretty bad by the end of the day so I use this. It doesn’t bother you, does it?” It did a bit, the sight of it upset me because it told me how much pain he was in, but I shook my head. He tossed his bag onto the bed and sat down beside it. “I brought my school uniform. I need to be back by six, then they’ll just think I got up early to take the dog out. Nice jammies, by the way, always thought Tinkerbelle was sexy.” I looked down at my pyjamas, suddenly feeling very babyish. He saw my flushed cheeks and caught hold of me, pulling me close. “No seriously Jaz, I did. Something about the short green dress and the wings. That fairy was hot!” I knew he was only trying to make me laugh, but it still worked.

“Now I know what to dress up as for Halloween.”

“Oh God, don’t tease me!” He laughed. “Umm, I usually just wear a t-shirt and my boxers because I got hot in bed, but don’t worry, I’ve brought tracksuit bottoms.”

“It’s up to you. I don’t mind boxers as long as you keep them on.”

He nodded. “Don’t worry. This is a sleepover...Nothing more.”

I began to braid my hair into pigtails as he leaned his crutch against the bed and began to undress. I couldn’t help but watch as he tugged off his sweat-jacket to reveal the T-shirt underneath and slid his jeans down his thighs, to reveal the deep red scars standing out in sharp relief against his pale skin. He had to use his hand to lift his left leg out of the tangle of material, wincing as he did so. He looked up and saw me. “Yeah, I know they’re gross.”

“Can I?” He nodded, and I reached out to touch them, feeling the raised ridges. “I don’t think they’re gross, they’re just scars. We have a matching set, remember?” I lifted my pyjama top to show mine. “Do yours hurt? Mine do.”

He nodded. “Keloid scars always hurt.” Then he leant forward and planted a kiss on each of mine. I bit my lip and asked him again.

“How did you get yours again?”

He looked up at me guiltily. “Fell out of tree and smashed up my leg. They had to put plates and pins in.”

“Oh.” Another lie. Was he ever going to tell me the truth? I walked round to the other side of the bed and climbed underneath the covers. He slid in beside me, I turned off my bedside lamp and we snuggled together in the dark. I tucked my head underneath his chin as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I love you Jaz.”

“I love you too.”

He kissed the top of my head. “Jaz...Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“If...If I asked you to run away with me, would you?”

It was an odd question. I thought about it, trying to imagine my world without him in it. I couldn’t any more. “Yes. Of course I would.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Why?”

“No reason. I just wondered.”

“I love you Robert, I’d run away with you in a second.” I kissed his cheek and pulled the duvet up over us. “Now go to sleep.”

It was a childish declaration of love from one kid to another in the dark, designed to re-assure...I hadn’t realised how soon I’d have to make good on my promise.

***